speak of the devil

[OOC: Some time after this.]

It was just one of those things that you brought up at the kitchen table to while away the time between calls.

"So, hey," said Tommy as casually as possible, "I got one for ya. Okay, what if Satan was this really hot broad, and not some dude with a goatee and a pitchfork and all that fiery shit you see on TV and cartoons and whatever. And what if she tempted you to have sex with 'er. No strings attached. Would you go for it?"


Sean and Probie screwed up their faces in thought and Lou puffed on his cigar, while Franco shook his head with some uncertainty.

"I dunno, man," he said. "That's pretty freaky. First of all, how hot are we talking about here?"

"Oh, I mean hot hot," Tommy replied. "Like, Elizabeth Hurley hot."

"Elizabeth Hurley?" said Sean. "Isn't she that British chick in that movie with the guy from The Mummy?"

Probie chimed in, "No, wait, I thought she was a Bond girl."

"...You mean she was in a kinky porno?"

"Listen, morons," Tommy barked, "can we stick to the topic? Just tell me, would you bang Satan if Satan was a hot chick?"

"That's gotta be a sin, though, right?" said Sean.

"Sure," said Lou. "It clearly states in the Bible, 'Thou shalt not put thy cock in the Devil.'"

"...Wait, they can say 'cock' in the Bible?"

"Not in the biblical sense."

"What about the soul thing, though?" Probie asked. "Doesn't Satan take your soul if you, like, get to do something really awesome but is actually really bad or something like that?"

"I said no strings," said Tommy. "No contracts, no negotiations, no terms or conditions. You keep your soul. You get to bang Satan. Who is hot. Yes or no?"

Lou arched an eyebrow at Tommy. "Well, I don't see why you'd have a problem with it, Tommy, being as how you're already devoid of a soul to begin with."

"Oh, har har," Tommy snorted. "How 'bout you, then? You with your own soul so gleaming and untainted."

He tapped the end of his cigar in an ashtray. "Oh, I never said my soul was gleaming and untainted," he said. "I don't give a rat's ass about my soul. I just think I ought to be offered some sort of compensation or prize or something for banging Satan, because when you really look at it, if there's no risk involved, it's just an opportunity to bang a hot chick."

"Yeah, but a hot chick who is Satan."

"I wouldn't say that's a bragging right, would you?"

"But, but, but," Tommy went on, "what if you knew that the sex is going to be the best you ever had. The best. In your entire freakin' life, past, present, future. The kind of sex you'll reminisce about on your death bed."

"You mean when God strikes you down in mid-hump?"

"Okay, I'm not talking to you anymore. Franco! What's your decision?"

"Mm, well, it's a tough call," said Franco. "I mean, you know how my standards reach far and wide, and I may be picky sometimes although I try to be as all-inclusive as possible, but man, even I might have to draw the line at Satanic pussy."

Sean agreed. "Yeah. Satanic pussy sounds real scary."

"It also sounds like a band name," said Probie, and he and Sean laughed.

"Okay, okay, okay," said Tommy. "What about a kiss? Y'know, just sucking face and maybe some tit-grabbing."

"Um, I think making out would be cool," Probie ventured, "unless her tongue is forked or something."

Then Sean suddenly burst out: "Dude, oh my God! You ever had a chick with a forked tongue give you a blow job? Oh man, it's awesome!"

And thus the room was filled with silence, as each man turned to look at Sean with a variety of expressions, such as disbelief and mild horror. But mostly mild horror.

Lou let out a plume of cigar smoke. "Ohh-kay," he said, "looks like I'll be using the brain bleach tonight. So, Tommy, what brought about this interest about wanting to get Satan in the sack?"

Tommy sat back in his chair and shrugged a bit defensively. "I dunno, I just- y'know, thought about it."

Franco said, "Were you drunk?"

"No! Yeah. No, actually. Okay, I'd just woken up with a hangover, to tell you the truth."

"Uh huh," said Lou. "And of course, this leads to the pondering of even more shit you can do that'll get you zapped straight to Hell."

"Heh! Nothin' to lose, right?"

"Exactly. And I'll see you there, my friend."

The firebell rang, as it was wont to do in times of riveting conversations. And so with the hasty emptying of coffee cups and scraping of chairs, the men hustled out of the room.